Unframed
Am I posing? Or am I just holding a filxhan (phil-jun)?
Is it espresso? American? Or the one that leaves black sludge in the bottom?
You may think it’s a prop. Or think I’m acting.
You may even think this is a pose. It’s not.
It’s just another Wednesday morning.
Light hits your face and honks hit your ears.
Living room becomes a green room, becomes a studio, then a room again.
It’s a familiar morning aroma, that feels like home.
Open. Too honest. Very vulnerable.
The look that lens steals from me before I hear the sound, before I feel it in my gut.
That’s when I’m listening. Not to you. To something else.
My hands go up just like the last time, but now I’m in control.
I think.
Contained. Suddenly I’m in frame.
You see my hands. I see a shape.
Feel the tension in my face. Readiness.
I try to relax, to let go. I cannot. Suddenly, but expectedly…
Click. Click. Click. Click.
It interrupts my thoughts. The tension breaks. Something. Something.
Déjà vu.
My hands remember. They go up again, like I’m framing something, or protecting my face.
But something tells me that I’m only checking if I still fit.
The frame is too small. Maybe I’ve grown. Not my ego, I hope.
I let go. I smell. I sip. I smile.
I sip slow and stare down the lens. Like I have a million questions and no answers.
Who am I? Who am I afraid I am? Who am I trying not to be?
I’ve worn a lot of hats in my life. A lot of faces.
Son. Friend. Athlete. Refugee. Waiter. Actor. Father.
Wait. Wait. Waiter? Did I wait too long? Did the white shirt give it away? Not this time. It’s been a while. We’ll come back to this.
You want to know who’s in that frame?
Try to look between the takes. When I don’t try. When I exhale. When I sip. That’s me.
Not the only me. But still me, trying to frame a smile in a cup that is empty by now.
Shpend Xani
Shpend Xani is a classically trained Albanian-American actor and foreign language dialect coach based in New York City. He was born and raised in Kosovo during the war, moved to Colorado as a war refugee, and now lives in New York with his family. On stage, Shpend has appeared in Shakespeare’s King John at Folger Theatre, Antony and Cleopatra at Pennsylvania Shakespeare Festival, Coriolanus, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream at Shakespeare Theatre-ACA, in the Olney Theatre’s production of Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and Caryl Churchill’s Love and Information at Forum Theatre. Shpend also performed in the following world premieres; Beginning Days of True Jubilation, The Strangers Came Today with SOCIETY Theatre Company, The Vagrant Trilogy at Mosaic Theater Company, Rest Upon the Wind at NYU Skirball Center, The Interstellar Ghost Hour at Longacre Lea, Pawnshop Accordions at FringeNYC, Pocono Christmas at Hudson Guild Theatre. On screen, Shpend has appeared in FBI: Most Wanted (CBS), The Blacklist (NBC), New Amsterdam (NBC) as well as other independent and international features, and short films. He also works as a dialect coach providing foreign language translation and coaching services for tv shows such as The Blacklist, Blue Bloods, Blank Slate, etc. He is fluent in four languages. Shpend is a founding member of the NYC ensemble theatre company called SOCIETY.
All pieces by Shpend Xani →
