Notes on Surviving a Decade in NYC
Marking the passage of time is something humans have done for tens of thousands of years, from early societies tracking lunar cycles to plan their harvests, to Jonathan Larson reminding us we can actually measure our lives in love (I’m sorry).
This month marks my 10-year anniversary of surviving New York City which, according to Fran Lebowitz, officially makes me a New Yorker. As someone who routinely gets to the airport early just to journal for 45 minutes about my “intentions for the trip,” my overly sensitive, long-winded ass has been wrestling with how best to honor this decennial milestone. Instead of over indulging in a metaphor about New York being the situationship that drains your bank account, but still gets the beautiful montage, I’ve decided to boil my decade here down to 10 things I’ve learned along the way. Whether you’re a seasoned New Yorker, brand new to the city, or just someone from high school who still follows me out of muscle memory, I hope these pieces of wisdom are helpful, or at the very least, entertaining enough to justify why you’re still here.
Don’t Wait — Say Hi First
The city is full of people desperate to connect, so how is it that in one of the biggest cities in the world you can still feel so lonely? Here’s the thing about New Yorkers: we look like we’re busy, aloof, or too cool for conversation, but the truth is most people are just waiting for someone else to make the first move. If you’re at a bar wondering why no one’s talking to you, chances are the person next to you is having the exact same thought. That cute guy you wish would come over? He’s probably refreshing his apps hoping that you show up on his phone instead of in real life. The hack is simple: be the one who breaks the ice. We’re a city full of broads that jaywalk through oncoming traffic, trust halal cart lamb at 2am, and routinely threaten our landlords with legal action. We’re more than brave enough to say “hey” right?
For example: A few weeks ago at a brewery up in Hudson I saw a very cute mustached man with a backwards hat. He was sitting alone at the bar sipping a Pilsner and scrolling through Facebook Marketplace. I sat down, ordered a beer, and asked “Finding anything good today?” He smiled and said, “Too many things, that’s the problem.” We had a date on the books that next week. In a city that’s so fast paced, confidence isn’t just attractive, it’s social currency. So, go ahead and spend it baby!
Read the Fine Print
If something seems too good to be true in New York, it almost always is. In 2022, I dealt with a despicable realtor named Marjorie who swore up and down that an apartment she was showing me was rent stabilized. Once I was approved and actually read all the paperwork, I noticed the contract clearly stated,“This is NOT a rent-stabilized apartment.” When I asked her about it, she stiffened up and snapped, “Stop wasting my time. If you don’t want it, there’s a line of people down the block who do.” That’s the reality here: a lot of people (and businesses) are only looking out for themselves, and if you don’t protect your own interests, no one else will. So ask questions, read every word, and never assume anyone’s doing you a favor. If you don’t, you might end up like me, contractually doomed to haunt the aisles of Spirit Halloween in-perpetuity dressed as a cookie, a laughing emoji, and a mustard bottle.
If You’re Unsure About a Man, Watch Him Dock a Citi Bike
I’ve learned everything I need to know about a man from this one simple act. The way he docks that bike tells you everything. Sometimes it’s smooth and confident, sometimes it’s awkward, panicked, or just plain sad. Sometimes he nails it on the first try (Marry me) sometimes he needs your help (Oy vey) It can be sexy. It can be tragic. It can be both at once. But I promise: whatever happens at that docking station will tell you more about him than three dates and Myers–Briggs ever could.
Try to Stay Friendly With Your Exes (if you can)
Mostly, this is about making sure you don’t get kicked off their HBO Max, Hulu, or Apple TV+ accounts*. Think long-term: the new season of Euphoria isn’t dropping until 2026, and do you really want to be scrambling for a login by then? Secondarily, you will absolutely run into them Sex and the City style on the street, at brunch, or in line at Trader Joe’s. This is especially jarring when the last time you spoke was 9 months ago when you returned the framed photo of their Aunt Patty that somehow ended up on your nightstand. Of course, staying cordial isn’t always an option. If your ex did you dirty, the rule flips: cut off contact, kick them off your accounts, and ideally, buy their domain name.
*Note: Netflix is the exception. For reasons science has yet to explain, staying on an ex’s Netflix account historically feels a little too entangled. No research cited, and I can’t expand further.
Stay Political
There is nothing less sexy than a New Yorker (or anybody) who says, “I don’t know, I hate politics.” Caring about what happens to you, your city, and the people around you isn’t just cool, it’s necessary. Now, I’ll admit, it’s possible to care too much. (Did I mention I tend to overindulge?) At one point, my daily news habit got so out of hand that most of my hobbies (watercoloring, succulent beading, record collecting, taking baths 3x a week, holiday advent calendar making, haiku writing, and yes, a mild marijuana addiction) were all picked up to stop myself from starting the day with 3 hours of news. The point is: balance and curiosity are key. Our existence is political and willful ignorance is so 2010.
FLOSS
See More Live Music
The power of live music must never be underestimated. Anything can happen at a concert in NYC. Once, I was at a show where Sheryl Crow showed up as a surprise guest. I was so overwhelmed with joy that I fainted for the first time in my life. (Don’t worry I did bloodwork afterwards, and my PCP assured me I was perfectly healthy and simply, quote, “just gay.”) My best friend also literally conjured her husband at Brooklyn Bowl like a siren. When “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life,” came on she turned to the crowd and drunkenly shouted, “Who’s going to do the lift?” Out of the fog stepped a man who said, “I can.” Guys….she married him!!
Now if you’re on a budget like me, check out Sofar Sounds. It’s an amazing live music series that turns funky apartments, retail shops, and rooftops into badass venues and features three diverse surprise acts. This is great for a second date, or if you’re just wanting to meet some new interesting people. If you’re not convinced, or you just feel like shedding a tear at work, search Yebba’s “My Mind” on YouTube. Trust me.
Set Your Expectations
Setting your expectations is the easiest way to keep disappointment (and depression) at bay. Count on luck, but budget for chaos. Hope for sun, but bring an umbrella. For me, reframing expectations has been a game changer. Now, I get to be pleasantly surprised when things go well instead of gutted when they don’t! Take Beacon’s Closet, for example. When you haul over two full bags of clothes to try and make a buck, you should fully expect the staff to unpack every item in front of a silent, watchful crowd and then announce, loudly, “We cannot accept any of these pieces at this time, but we can donate them for you.” Now if I had gone in expecting them to swoon over my lightly worn J.Crew sweater and that “nice” light blue polo from high school, that kind of public humiliation might have sent me packing back to suburban Michigan. But because I was prepared, it only confirmed what I already suspected: my true legacy isn’t taste, elegance, or designer chains, it’s thrift store finds with coffee stains.
Ask for a Raise Every Year
This is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way. You’re almost always going to have to advocate for yourself when it comes to getting a raise. It’s standard to have a performance review every year, and if they “forget”, request one! Assuming you’re slaying the game, come prepared with a pitch: highlight the value you’ve brought, the receipts to prove it, and then ask for the raise. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But think of it as a win-win. If they say yes? Congrats!! You can finally afford that Fire Island weekend or stop forgoing an uber to JFK because the subway is just “part of the adventure”. If they say no? You’ve made it clear you’re serious about your career. Thank them, ask what benchmarks you should hit in the next quarter, and schedule the follow-up. Bada-Boom, Bada-Bing!
You Can Start Completely Over
If you wake up one day and realize you hate your job, you can change it. If your college friend group still treats you like the kid who wore button ups with sweat pants, or who unfortunately thought bedsheets only needed to be washed quarterly, refer back to Rule #1 and surround yourself with people who actually make you feel good. Your career and your social life don’t have to be linear, as clean and comfortable as that sounds. Life is messy. You’re supposed to outgrow things, pivot, change lanes, burn bridges, rebuild them, and then set them on fire again (but prettier this time). If you’re doing it right your thirties self should be unrecognizable to your twenties self, in a way that would shock them, impress them, and maybe even terrify them.
The truth is, you’re never locked into the first hand you were dealt. You can reshuffle, trade cards, or flip the whole damn table over and start again. Because in this city, no one cares who you were last year, they’re too busy reinventing themselves, too.
