When I was a teen and a devoted thespian I would dream about living in New York City. My friends and I would bop around the hallways of our high school singing showtunes and talking about what musical roles we’d all do well in. A few of us went on to pursue those shared dreams and had successful careers on Broadway. For me though, something else was calling. I didn’t know clearly what that was at that time, all I knew then was that I wanted, achingly, to get out of town and leave the nest.
I fell in love with Chicago the first time I visited before finishing high school and left a feather there as a possible city to be in. Shortly after a year in a small town for my freshman year of college, I moved to Chicago and grew more feathers in music and performance. It was a blessing, living and working in this beloved Midwest city for four years. This was my first attempt in my adult life at doing something for myself without guilt and had the great fortune of making home, built a network of friends and collaborators and started to see a foundation forming with music outside of an institution. Those teenage dreams of Broadway and musicals started to fade and I became obsessed with the possibility of being a jazz vocalist.
It wasn’t until I returned to my hometown (Lincoln, Nebraska) that I began composing on piano and writing my own songs under a name I made for myself, Mesonjixx – an amalgamation of all my given names / other than the Hawaiian names my mother gifted me. I dedicated myself to this moniker and project for ten years. Performing a circuit in Nebraska consistently for the first 5 years with a rotation of talented musicians backing me, before stretching my wings to the Midwest region over the last 5 years. I feel much came to a head in year 10 (2024) under this stage name, I felt that I had met many glass ceilings and accomplished much in a rather challenging arts/culture landscape. I feel strongly that my time in the Midwest – primarily Nebraska – pursuing music and performance has come to a respectful pause. Much feels completed for me in that place and that gives me a sense of peace, though it took a while to accept.
New York in the Spring was a beautiful invitation. I took on a month-long writing residency that became more under its own magic. Before traveling to the city for this residency I had moved all of my things from my parents home in Lincoln to a make-shift storage space (aka a friend’s garage). I no longer have anything to return to there. I of course have loved ones that I want to see and will visit, but nothing pulls me creatively there as fervently as I need. Jobs and contracts had completed…again, life for me in that place had met a point of completion – for now. Meeting this point face to face, gaze on gaze – I became more open to seeing where my journey would lead me, accepting the moment I was in. I was trusting myself in ways that I never had before.
I trust myself in ways that I never have before.
While sitting in a small cafe replying to emails, cleaning up online journaling, organizing sheets ha! – I overheard the owner say to someone that she was looking for a baker. I have baking experience and thought that this was a floating feather, a glimmer from the universe affirming me and inviting me to stay in this city, a city I’m growing to love more and more. There’s so much romance, so much beauty. I’m obsessed with these parts of life and don’t imagine myself growing tired of it. How could I? There is always going to be more to uncover… expand into, beautifully, romantically. I spoke with the owner before I left and since then I’ve been baking at her cafe near the studio apartment I’m subletting.
This career shift from arts admin – I was fortunate to work in non-profit arts admin for five years in Nebraska and Missouri – back into a practice of baking (I baked at a french bakery right after high school and baked 6 months back home before my residency began this spring) has more parallels with my calling in performance and song than I imagined. What I’ve been telling close friends is that baking is a time based art form – in all the ways one might assume; everything depends on timing. Not only is timing a quality I see mirrored in music and baking, I also see performance as a mirroring quality. When I first started at the cafe here in New York my performance and delivery was not at standard. Yikes. 6 months later, I feel I know a lot more about: the kitchen, my tools – gear if you will – the ingredients, recipes – composition, arrangement – and feel confident about how I will perform and deliver the service of baking to our neighbors, friends, people passing through – going forward.
New York City will shape my worldview in ways I’m certain will go beyond my imagination. I look forward to being in community with other everyday artists (artists who have jobs outside of their artistic careers that they enjoy! And who are actively di-vesting from the idea of fame and celebrity; more on this soon), and like-minded people who are interested in being better for themselves and together.
Okay last thing I want to share that I am working to massage out and write a bit more about is this connection between music / performance and baking as a time based art form – as mentioned above, as it relates to Long Form Memory. I’m excited about this; all of my worlds orbiting, my marvelous becoming. More on this piece of writing soon. For now, please keep an eye on my social media pages for upcoming shows in the new year, and subscribe to my newsletter on Substack!
